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It was nearly twenty years ago that I read The Celestine Prophecy after losing my brother to suicide and instantly committed to a path of living with the awareness that I am a soul first and human second.

For me this has meant twenty years of living from soul guidance, twenty years of revealing truth, twenty years of healing myself and others, twenty years of Mediumship and twenty years of JOY (or so you would think).

After all the hard work this lifestyle has required, I find myself at one of the most painful and scariest times in my life, and I am quite rightly questioning how I got here. Writing my last book Wisdom of the Soul: How to create life with love & inspiration made simple lead me to see how much Love lacked in my life. Not just in my life now, but how much Love has been lacking for all of my 46 years. A painful truth to realize and one that there is no going back from.

So how is it that twenty years of conscious evolving and supposedly “doing all the right things” has the lifestyle I desire still so far out of reach. How is it, with all the law of attraction knowledge and application I possess, I am still for the foreseeable future having to work in a mainstream job to supplement my business income to barely get by financially. That right there Universe, is enough of that f@*king shit!

Truthfully, how does a twenty year journey of living from the depths of my soul lead me to today where I feel like I don’t have a lot to show for all that hard work. A place where in fact, I am letting go of everything I’ve ever known to create more love in my life. How is it that creating a mindset of gratitude, awareness and abundant belief system has lead me here and not yielded the results I desire. This is all way to exhausting now and it just shouldn’t be such friggin hard work.

As Gary Allan says, “You can lead too hard on a prayer, but I don’t recommend it” (Half of My Mistakes – Living Hard, Gary Allan 2007).

I look around at a lot of people I know, most of whom are not spiritually minded or consciously living yet they are happy, abundant and loving. Yes, their desires may be simpler than mine however, they are happy with their lot in life. Yet, here I am working so hard for so long to create what I want and need, only for it to still illude me. You gotta wander sometimes, if all this law of attraction stuff is a crock of shit or at the very least, what are we missing? What don’t we know about living consciously, what is the real stuff the so-called experts don’t know, or are not sharing enough of.

Where are the books that share with you what its really like to totally realign your soul. Where are the stories and inspirational hero’s that share with you how painful that process is, how long it can take and what did they do to get through day to day. How did they stay committed to the journey when they questioned, how did they not give up on their dreams and how did they keeping loving and living with an open heart.

If your inspired by someone that does share with you any of this, please speak up and let me know. I know my story and its accompanying soul journey is nowhere near over, in fact I know I have a long way to go and a lot of figuring out how the soul really loves and creates. I’ve only just begun writing book two of three with my Wisdom of the Soul series, which is where the knowledge and experience lies. But for now, I’m allowing myself to question, surrender a little more and give the Universe the finger.

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Kerrie Wearing is a soul coach, a medium and author of A New Kind of Normal: Unlock the Medium Within and Wisdom of the Soul: How to Live Life Created with Love & inSpiration Made Simple. Kerrie is passionate about helping spiritually motivated people harness their soul speak and intuition to create their dream life with love, purpose and Mediumship.

With her online Mediumship Academy, Kerrie also coaches Mediumship practitioners to achieve high levels of integrity, professionalism and accuracy of Mediumship through strong foundations with Spirit and she is excited to be working on her third book Wisdom of the Soul: Manifest Your Dreams with Love & inspiration made simple.