Today my nerves rise to the surface as I look to the future.
My future entails a wonderfully thriving online business that is loving crafted from my soul and gives you an insight into my life and how I apply my spirituality to the everyday.
Here is where I get a little stuck and keep holding myself back with fear. I know Spirit is guiding me to share more of myself with you as it has been part of my soul conversation for at least the last year, yet every time I come to the threshold I pull pack and my usual way of acknowledging the fear and doing it anytime doesn’t seem to be cutting it this time.
So in a much needed effort to break down my fear of letting you in more, I am going to share with you where some of this fear comes from.
From the beginning of 2006 until the end of 2008 I owned and operated my own Mediumship development center called The Australian College of Mediumship or ACOM for short. While those years provided a lot of spiritual growth and friendships that I truly value and have stood the test of time, these three years also proved to be some of the toughest and most painful I have lived, as I found myself challenged with learning to deal with the judgment of others.
I’ve since come to know that each and everyone of us, like to be accepted and will behave in a way that helps us to maintain the approval of others. It’s human nature and I am no different. During this time I really struggled when people passed judgment. Actually you know what, its not so much that people passed judgment, it is more about how people go about it expressing those judgments and the subsequent treatment that often lacks respect, integrity and at times can be just down right hurtful.
Going into this period my heart was open and I held the expectation that everyone treats others as I do, with respect and understanding. Yeah sure, at times I too pass judgment yet I am always mindful of how I treat others. I wrongly trusted too easily and hadn’t quite yet learnt to feel beyond the surface to see and know the truth and intentions others held as I do know. I didn’t realize that working publicly will have people wanting to be close and be your friend for what they perceive you can offer them and then once that purpose is served, they’ll kick you to the curb often with a knife in your back as they go.
As a spiritual development teacher and mediumship mentor, part of my job was and always will be to offer truth. It is what you want from a good coach and teacher. Whether this is by way of insights gleaned through the eyes of Spirit or my own inner knowing and expertise is not important. What is important is that each and every time I offered a student, fellow teacher, colleague or someone in my community their truth, it was and is delivered with respect, no judgment and the heartfelt intention to enable their spiritual growth.
Sadly from a lot of so-called spiritual people I have known over the years, I have not received the same respect and understanding in return. When people have not been able to digest and process a level of truth offered as their coach, many a time they have then proceeded to deflect, make it about me and direct personal judgements my way, privately and publicly. This still occurs from former students to this day and yet to me it says more about their ‘stuckness’ than anything about me.
There have been numerous instances of the fox in camouflaged clothing getting close, building a position of trust only to soon walk away copying some aspect of my work. Copying course content, teaching methods, imitating ACOM and its structure or accessing and taking my client base all the while bagging me out in the process. This did and has happened many times. The mistake these people never realized they made, was if they had come to me openly and honestly with their desires, I would have offered help, support and they would have maintained a valuable ally.
Even since those days, facebook and interactions within the spiritual/paranormal communities has from time to time provided similar hurtful experiences because I dare offered an opinion or a truth. An opinion that by the way which is formed from many years of experience, a great deal of knowledge and yes expertise. Again these opinions are offered with respect, truth, professionalism and integrity because that is who I am. Though it took me a long time to fully accept that and love myself enough to say it.
In years gone by such instances of judgment, dislike, non-acceptance and hurtful attacks would have me in a spin and not just because at least one of them was threatening by nature. I would spiral into negativity, fear and doubt as my lack of self love had me accept those harsh judgments and question what I had done wrong and believing that I needed to change who I was.
I did change who I was as a result. I will still be truthful, honest and authentic whether it sits with you or not. That I am never going to change for we need more of this in the world and true spirituality has this at its heart. Besides it helps make me damn good at what I do. I did however learn to be more intuitively discerning with who I allow into my circle of trust, I learnt to love myself and I learnt that the judgement of others is not worth the emotional energy I used to give it.
So this fear is definitely not worthy of holding me back from the future I am creating!
I eventually came to the realization that in a lot of these experiences I did not do or say anything that warranted the unrespectful and at times hurtful treatment I have received over the years. It is a sad fact that just because one believes in spirituality and is guided by Spirit to a certain degree, does not make one egoless. We all have ego’s, it’s part of being human. Some are however well aware of theirs, and these are the people who continue to grow, expand and will do great things in this world. While others sit with their illusion, unaware of how their ego is operating and ultimately having them relinquish in a life of struggle and stuckness. Sad but true.
My responsibility in these experiences lies firstly in understanding what my attraction point was. And this is where my own ego comes in. It was my lack of self love, and my ego attracting experiences that validated my own lack of self worth like it had been doing for a life time. Sure, I looked for the lesson in each experience, which is why I continued to grow and did learn a great deal about people, yet the real learning was in developing faith in myself enough to know that with each and every one of these experiences I managed and walked through them with love. There was and is no knee jerk reactions from ego, only well thought out responses from my heart and Spirit, and if I can’t do that – I’ll leave well enough alone and walk away.
Going forward this approach will serve me well, as it has personally for the last 12months. Fear of what may never come can keep holding me back because of past experience or I can choose to let it go by acknowledging my own truth and open my heart just a little more today.